I am sitting on my couch with a Pepsi and a Hershey bar. That's just where I am tonight! I feel like chaos was hitting me from every direction. I'm just trying to figure out how I got here--overwhelmed by all the demands, the attitudes, and the ridiculousness of doing God's will. There, I said it. It hasn't been easy but now it is just plain draining. Disrespectful kids, demanding adults, and disappointment.
There are times when I just want to scream because after so many years, why don't I see much progress? Sometimes it feels worse than when we started. I have this idea that if we try hard enough people will make better decisions. I tire of hearing a slightly different version of the same story. It seems so easy to just fix the problems from my point of view. I am just exhausted after tonight.
The problem is that I'm not the one in charge of changing people. I'm the worker, not the boss. I am not equipped to completely, selflessly give myself for someone else. That's the truth. I hold back for myself, my family. When I feel like someone is asking too much, I draw a line. There is only so much I am willing to give and do for others. So when transformational life change starts with a limit, it will never fully develop solely with my help. I'm just not equipped to fill those needs.
Thankfully God steps in when I stumble or bulk. He is the source of selfless giving and meets all of our needs. I can't force, coerce, or encourage someone to fundamentally change their lives. My life isn't exactly the definition of perfection. I have plenty of my own issues that probably irritate people too. The most important mission is to continue to make disciples. I need to listen for his guidance about what my part is in the master plan.
There is work to be done both in and through my life if I am open to the challenge.