Sunday, May 12, 2013

If I Go to Sleep Now, Can Mother's Day Be Over?

Over the past few days, I have received beautiful plants and handwritten notes.  I even had an unplanned scavenger hunt last night thanks to my oldest daughter.  As I got into bed my pillow case was filled with books and a clue instead of a pillow.  At the end of the hunt I found "The Top 10 Reasons I Love My Mom."  I'm not sure what her teacher thought of "#3:  I know my mom is smart because she knows how to shoot a gun."  After lunch today I received a 5 foot sign with all the reasons that my children love me.  Even without the official holiday, my husband and children are good at making sure that I know they love me. 

I understand that people mean well with their celebration of Mother's Day but for some of us, we'd rather just skip it.  Even though I love my family and they do so much to show their love for me, this holiday is a painful reminder about loss in my life.  It's hard to sit in church and see so many people happily chat about their plans for the day.  Even harder are the well-meaning people who I thought knew better but asked anyway if I was spending the day with our mothers.

Even at 32, there is still at times the desire to have a mother--that person who is always there, is excited about your achievements in life, and understands you.  When that space is void in your life, there aren't very many people that will meet that need.  Other people don't have the depth of childhood experiences.  Friends have their own families and caring for yet another person's emotional needs is more than can be expected.  God knew what would happen in my life before I had the first clue.  He gave me a husband who is steadfast and supportive of me.  He is the one who is always here and has me on the top of his list. 

So forgive me if you don't understand or if I've offended you but it's just harder for some of us.  As for me, I would be just as happy if we could skip today and pick up tomorrow where I left off yesterday.  I have spent years trying to reconcile that part of my life, my faults, and my loss and I just don't want an official reminder. 

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